I realized yesterday that I should be keeping a journal of my adventures. This would be more for my children than anything. While I find it extremely difficult, and even at times somewhat painful, to talk about my feelings and more esoteric issues it seems to be easier for me to write about them. I hope to be disciplined enough to write at least every other day so that my thoughts and ideas will be more available.

Today has already been somewhat of an adventure. I left the US a week ago and I decided to leave Paris today and go to Amboise. This was not an easy decision because I had become comfortable in my small room at the D’Estree Hotel. I was familiar with the area and even though I had walked all over Paris I found it easier to know that I had a “home” to return to at night. The thought of leaving the safety of that room and going to a new town was a bit scary.

Amboise is just a little town and does not have a fraction of the facilities of a city as large as Paris. I don’t even have a room reserved and my biggest fear is that I will lug my big suitcase and my computer bag all the way to the tourist office in Amboise and they will politely inform me that there are no rooms available and I will have to go to Tours. Tours is a college town and quite a bit larger than Amboise but it is about 16 miles away from Amboise and I would have to somehow get over there to find a room if I can’t find one in Amboise.

This one bag is quite heavy and it is enough of a struggle just to get through the metro stations with it. There are very few escalators and many, many stairways so I end up carrying my purple suitcase instead of being able to use the wheels on it. Except for the uphill climbs it is easy to drag, the only problem being that the sidewalks are extremely narrow everywhere and sometimes I end up getting my bag caught on a doorway or post. I have way too many books in the case to be carrying it around very much. Oh, well, I am still strong enough to do it but a lesser man would not be able to carry a 60 lb bag up two flights of stairs with one hand as easily as I can. If I had waited too many more years for this trip I would have had to plan better.

When I was struggling this morning with the decision to leave or stay I hadn’t yet realized something that I discovered while I was in one of the metro cars. I felt the same way today that I felt so many times before when I was growing up. I changed schools at least 10 times and every time I went to a new school I had this terrible feeling of being alone and afraid of what others thought of me. I wanted so much for other kids to approve of me but I had absolutely no way of knowing what it was that I needed to be in order for them to accept or like me. I guess I created my own ideas about what it was they were looking for but then I would never make any attempts to let them in and therefore I never found out if I was successful.

I feel the same way here in France. I want them to like me and accept me even though I am an American. However, I have no confidence in how I act or how I talk and so I do what I know how to do best. I withdraw and speak to no one unless necessary. I want to be around people so I always feel like walking the streets or sitting in a café but I never talk to anyone or do anything that will draw attention to myself. The weird thing is that I want them to notice me so they will want to be friends with me but I don’t know how to make that happen.

One thing I try to do is dress right. I seem to fit in OK from that standpoint but hardly any men wear hats here. I have worn one every day. This has been good because I have spent at least 5 hours a day walking in the sun and my head would have been burnt by now if not for my hats. I am constantly watching people and trying to get them to want to be my friend but they almost always seem to just look away. Most women will not even look at me. Of course, this makes me feel even less acceptable but I noticed that today more people seem to be looking at my eyes. I am not wearing a hat today because they are packed in my bag. However, I still don’t say anything. Many times I smile but I never say anything. I like to wear hats because they seem to add character but maybe they are making me seem more unapproachable. Maybe it is just coincidence.

The point of all this is that I feel exactly the way I felt all the time I was going through school. I am scared but I don’t want to be alone. So I am never satisfied. I am so envious of all of my children because they seem to be so free of those kinds of fears. Actually, Heather might be a lot like me in this regard but she does a far better job of letting others in even though she is afraid they will reject her. Charity and Randy seem to have no fear. Troy and Jodi seem to be very normal. I guess they all take after their mother who was always Miss Socialite. I thank God for this because I would not want anyone to be like me.

When I figure out how to get over this I will let you know. I think the answer is  to just stick my neck out there and try to befriend others even though they may reject me. I spend so much of my time trying to just “be cool” that I end up being alone. You see if I just keep to myself and act like I have it all together then the only judgment others can make is that I am cool and maybe stuckup, which has been my lifelong curse.

Too depressing! I am writing this sitting on a train second class. The ticket was 22 euros, which is about $20. Train number 14043 goes from Gare D’Austerlitz to Amboise and a bunch of other little towns a couple of hours outside of Paris. I just noticed that I am missing the scenery so I am going to close now and I will write later.